


Things I Wish to Say

by simulacraryn



Series: Fleeting [3]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst and Feels, Building towards more, Friendship, Gen, Get togethers, Mental Health Issues, Secrets, Set After Marry Me?, Set After Swipes and Dates, tw: mental illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-06-10 10:46:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6953494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simulacraryn/pseuds/simulacraryn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Trowa and Heero's wedding, Relena and the girls agree to a get together. A mysterious quote written within a gift from the often outspoken politician makes the girls question just what exactly is Relena hiding and just how much she is keeping from them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Photograph

**Author's Note:**

  * For [graydama](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=graydama).
  * Inspired by [Swipes and Dates](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6754468) by [simulacraryn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/simulacraryn/pseuds/simulacraryn). 



> [Drabble] - This continues off from Marry Me? and Swipes and Dates. You really don't need to read them to get a feel of it, but, this may turn into another series of drabbles from a friendship point. This was also inspired by a picture graydama sent me on tumblr:
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/simulacraryn/144854454898

Trowa and Heero’s wedding had been a wonderful thing a few weeks ago. After the events leading to and after the wedding had subsided, the girls had been buzzing to get together. Hilde had agreed that they should all get together, with Relena announcing she would be glad to host everyone in her town house. It’d been a wonderful event, each lady providing something to their gathering. But it’d been to Hilde’s surprise that Relena had hired a photographer for the occasion and had one of her many friends, a start-out fashion designer bring over some samples of clothes he wanted people to try on.

The girls gathered around the various options of clothing, with Hilde grinning at Une’s dislike for ‘bralettes that barely held her tits in’.

It felt natural to spend time like this, something none of the ladies ever got to do thanks to increasing work schedules and hardly any time on the same place. So in the end, when the photographer handed out the pictures to each woman, Relena smiled.

It’d been Noin, after turning hers over, to find Relena’s ornate writing and the words scribbled by the Vice Foreign Minister: 

_“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” - Robert Brault_

It’d been the often brutally honest Dorothy to break the silence amongst the girls, with her hand outstretched against the window: “Relena…are you trying to tell us something here?”

Relena offered simply a smile the never quite reached her eyes. - “Yes…I will, before the press conference next week. But not today, today I get to enjoy my friends.”

The girls each shared a look, wondering just what sort of news would Relena share with them.


	2. News Conference

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The news conference is about to begin and the only place that Duo could catch the stream was on his phone. Just what exactly did Relena have to announce?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on http://claraxbarton.tumblr.com/post/145031760400/photo-prompt-ahsimwithsake and a follow up to the previous chapter.

Sitting at the stoop of his modest house in Amarillo, Texas where he'd been stationed by Preventers during the latest training session he was hosting, Duo gripped unto his phone as if it was a lifeline. The internet was exploding, trying to catch a live stream of Relena's major speech. It'd been weeks since she'd gotten the girls together and weeks since he'd last seen her. Come to think of it, Duo made mental note that Relena had looked gaunt, her skin hanging off places as she'd lost major weight. He attributed it to work related stress, but now that the feeling sank in the pit of his stomach...

"Ladies and Gentlemen," The host's voice broke through his phone on a spotty reception he barely managed - "And now with us, Foreign Minister Darlian."

Duo's stomach somersaulted, it's contents threatening to spill on the sidewalk. It wasn't like him to be anxious, but now that he saw Relena on television - he felt this huge boulder on his very shoulders. So fragile, almost as if he'd been truly missing on so much in her life. "Thank you, Mr. Barnes and thank you, Citizens of the World."

Even in the face of whatever was bothering her, in Duo's eyes, she seemed fierce and determined. But the way her hands gripped at the podium, begging for strength and for health made for a frightening sight. "I wish I came to you with better news, but I'm not one to lie to my people. For months, I've been waging my own battle against a debilitating illness."- The mere words said by Relena made Duo gag. Memories flooded him, of Solo and all the others in L2 who died during his youth. He wondered if it was such a lethal illness plaguing Relena? But the wry, weak smile over her face also made him question it all. He promises himself, to guard her in ways unseen. She was the closest thing he had to a sister in this life and he wondered just how Quatre was handling the news. Odds were he knew and encouraged her speech.

"It isn't something physical," - Her voice echoed in Duo's ears -"But it is something that could potentially kill me if I don't take care of myself."

Words like depression and bulimia began being thrown around, anxiety and various other ailments that according to Relena, went hand in hand. Duo's jaw dropped, how could it be that the paragon of confidence had been so troubled?

"Oh Lennie...." He whispers, as numbers for help places crop up on the screen. He turns off the speech, pulling up his text screen and typing out a mere sentence: **I love you.** before sending it in her direction.


	3. Throne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the song 'Throne' by Bring me the Horizon :)

Quatre watched as the car pulled away from the driveway, the thoughts in his head racing through the maddening array of ideas that flashed in spurs. Relena was checking into a hospital to treat her on going case of mental health issues and he would be supportive. Having had a history himself, Quatre understood when she asked for time, space and everything in between to sort out her head. It only left him to feel empty in their shared townhouse once the realization hit...

A hand clapped his shoulder, squeezing in support. Duo had been an angel and godsend since the news broke out, refusing to leave his and Relena's side. The man moved into the guest room, requesting desk duty until Relena was fit to return home. "Q, I'm gonna go make lunch." - Duo shouted as he made way to the kitchen. The last few weeks had been a mad house, between people calling him to check up on everything Relena, from Heero and Trowa threatening to cancel their honeymoon in order to be near by 'should Quatre need either of them'... and Duo practically wrestling them into actually going away. The only comfort Duo had in this entire mess had been in Wufei actually _siding with him_ on everyone needing to back the hell away.

"Hey Duo!"- Quatre called, his head poking through the kitchen entry way - "I forgot to thank you for everything you've done for us.."

"Quatre, what's family for?"

The wink that followed that made the blonde blush. They all but called each other brother at times and Relena was very fond of having Duo around... sometimes Quatre forgot that family wasn't just blood and genes. It was the feeling and choosing those around you wisely. Breathing in, he was overwhelmed and finally understood what Heero had meant when he was threatening to cancel his and Trowa's honeymoon. Just...how close had they call truly gotten over the years? To forge a family out of the scraps... "They're there to support you..."

"Exactly, now clean yourself up some. Hilde and FeiFeikins...and don't you tell Wufei I called him that, are on their way."


	4. Baby, baby, I'll never let you down

Days, Weeks, Months...

Relena lost track of time in between different sets of therapy, making hedge through years of accumulated trauma. From opening up about life with the Darlians, explaining the disconnect she'd felt at times. Trying to comprehend some of the things that occurred during some of the more questionable years of her life. To finally sorting through the myriad of bullshit that came with living through not just a war, but being an integral part of said war. Grateful for Quatre's support, Relena pushed herself both emotionally and physically to get better. To be free of most sociopolitical shackles and able to be just herself was another can of worms the doctors hadn't considered would be a potential mess.

"Relena,"- Her ever patient doctor, Andrew, addressed her as if to snap her from her reverie. - "I know this will probably sound strange to you, but I want to change things up today."

She was surprised, but it was pleasant to have the change of pace happen. Somehow, she did not think she could stomach talking about her life any further than she already did. What Relena craved was seeing her husband, being held by Quatre and somehow to have Duo there just playfully driving her insane. The irony is not lost on her, however. "Okay, Andrew." - She acknowledged as he pulled out some index cards. Relena's eyebrow quirked at the display. "In these cards I have a few words, you'll tell me what or who you'll think of when you see them."

The first one that he pulls reads 'Dedication'. With a fond smile, Relena held a single finger in the air and said - "Heero." - the next cards he pulled were easy to her:

Compassion - Quatre

Loyalty - Hilde

Love - Duo

Zealous - Milliardo

She matched names with ease until one word came up: Illogical. With a chortle, Relena began to laugh in such a belly aching fashion until she fell off her seat. In between gasps, only one name left her lips: "Dorothy."


	5. Progression

Quatre couldn't help himself to accept Wufei and Hilde's invitation to lunch, as it was a welcome reprieve from the workload he'd been sorting through with Duo's help. Relena had been making progress and Quatre felt a tug in his heartstrings, watching his wife begin gaining a healthy outlook in life. The way the color finally made it's way to her face after so long of it being ashen, deprived of nutrients as a result of the constant binging and purging she did. The media could bite his ass as far as Quatre could care. Even though she stepped back for her own health, the vultures constantly hounded every bit of information they could get on her. Accusations flew and it'd gotten to the point he threatened the wrath of his lawyers if they continued to openly harass the clinic Relena had checked herself into. Striding into the tiny dive that Hilde chose for their lunch location, Quatre took notice to the homey atmosphere. Understanding the reasoning behind Hilde's call, he was relieved as he found Wufei waving him to a table squirreled away in a corner. "Good to see you, Winner."

Hilde chuckled from Wufei's side, so casually pulling him closer to her once he sat in the booth. "Quatre, you look exhausted..."- She acknowledged, worry sweeping over Hilde's face. Quatre, knowing better than to bullshit them, simply outpoured his worries unto them. The couple listened, sharing a large meal between themselves while Quatre ate something more sensible, finding himself playing with his food more than he ate. Wufei, catching on to the maneuver, shot him a glare. "Eat, Quatre."

"I can't. I keep thinking about this thing Relena said last week when she called," - He began, ruefully playing with the garbanzo beans on his plate. - "I mean... I get why she's worried about it, about me going through a similar breakdown."

Wufei held his breath, listening to the nuances in Quatre's speech. - "You already had your breaking point in the war, much like I did or even Heero did. We all had that point where we hit rock bottom. It's just hers caught up to her after everything went down. Who knows really, unlike Relena, we had help and professionals hounding us all after the Eve Wars." Hilde nodded, they each knew the drill. Anyone with a service jacket, or that had been marked as a participant in the live battle field had been marked for therapy. Relena, having been considered a civilian, did not get the same access they had to proper help. That in itself had been a terrible fault from the ESUN system. A fault that made Quatre wonder, just how many civilians that went through the Eve Wars came out worse for wear and if they could be helped.

"But she's also worried about others who slipped through the cracks."

"What does she suggest?"- Hilde asked, her hand gripping Wufei's.

"That we begin working towards programs to find these people before it's too late."


	6. Make a Home

Relena watched the world outside through her window. Being in this hospital felt like a hell she wished to escape. Yearning for home, Relena could only see this question like a marquee in her mind: “what is home?” - It'd broken her resolve through therapy to even consider that she truly had no place of her own. That her first home, she did not remember truly and it'd been utterly ransacked. The version of Sanq she'd lived in was an utopia built on an ideal she wished to desperately cling to in an attempt to find herself. The abyss of teen angst brought on by the war and her losses had led her to make choices she still struggled against.

Then she looked at the various Darlian residencies and felt no true attachment to them. Buildings that she'd been shuffled through during her youth, not one of them truly holding any value. Relena felt as if she had amounted to nothing in her personal life, a pity in itself. But the biggest hit of all came after she'd married Quatre and had been whisked away to one of his opulent residences. _It was not hers to feel home at_ and it showed in the way she oft found herself holed into one room.

“Relena,” - A matronly voice distracted her from her thoughts. Of course, a nurse. - “Doctor Bretchley informed me that your husband is here.”

With absolute calm, Relena stood up. Her figure poised, ready to brave Quatre and make her voice be heard. A home of her own.


	7. Building Us

For the first time since Relena went to the clinic, Quatre would get to see her without supervision. While he was elated, he could not shake this feeling of dread from his bones. Dread had been his nemesis since the treatment began, facing Relena had been his biggest worry. Quatre loved his wife, dearly. Through the years, as friends, as political allies and eventually as lovers, they'd grown together. The thought of Relena potentially giving him heartbreaking news would crush him. Taking steps like a condemned man, Quatre made his way through through the hallways until he reached the little mess hall where visitors would congregate. When he found her, seated by a large bay window with her hands at the table top, he could swear she was the most beautiful woman on earth. Once he was within hearing range, Quatre grinned and called out to her.

He slid into the opposite chair, offering that smile that he'd only reserved for her and only her. "How have you been?" - He asks, knowing it'd be futile to get an answer. Not when he spots the determined look in Relena's eyes, the one that tells Quatre that she had a plan up her damn sleeve and he was better off giving in now. Numbly, Relena reached for Quatre's outstretched hand. She returns the smile, her features softening ever so slightly. "I have been better."

Underlying that, however, there were plenty of thoughts syphoning Relena's mind. Sorting through them, they sat in silence until she was capable of speech: "Quatre, I want to ask you for something. For when I get discharged..."

His heart stilled, insecurities rising like vile against his throat. This was it, wasn't it? Mind racing a million thoughts until Relena snapped her fingers in front of him. "I want to get a house... _of our own_. Not something we inherited, not something government mandated due to work... I want somewhere I can call mine. That we can call ours..." - The longing in her voice was not lost on him and Quatre's thoughts eased up. With a refreshed sense of self, Quatre offered a reassuring look to his wife. 

"I'll get on it with Rashid when I get to the house."


	8. Strength

Wufei found sleeping to be a difficult task to get done, as ghosts of his past tended to make themselves known in the middle of the night. On this night, he felt Hilde's weight shift on the bed, her arm thrown around his middle. In the time they'd been dating, he found comfort and ease around the other woman. It made him think of the women he surrounded himself with, strong individuals that while were nothing like Nataku - err - Meilian, his first wife, they were worthy of his respect. The first of many women had been Sally Po, the former Alliance Major that showed him the true meaning of strength in weakness. He would have said Noin, but the woman had shown him the extreme emotions in women that he'd never seen Mei express.

This moved Wufei further in his list, where the names of Relena, Une, Dorothy and even Hilde found themselves. The first two needed no explanation, yet many would do a double take whenever Dorothy is brought up. Wufei hadn't often needed to justify his respect of the creepy blonde, but when Trowa and Heero once asked...

_It is because she survived, the only way she knew how and came out all the stronger._

But then he could only look to the tiny slip of a woman at his side, the rise and fall of her chest as she muttered something about ice cream and Duo. Wufei grinned, because of all the things he could never say, he could never say that Hilde was weak. She managed to dupe the fucking White Fang, get intel from their mothership - escape and survive a full on Virgo MD assault. It made her a woman Wufei could actually respect, even though he'd hardly known her at the time. But then years passed and he found himself looking at her as Quatre did Relena. Or Heero and Trowa... 

Their date for the wedding had been fate, or even divine meddling. With resolution and peace in his heart, Wufei reached for the necklace he wore, carrying his and Mei's wedding rings - finally taking it off. He would someday add it to Mei's grave. Tonight, he would just watch Hilde in her sleep.


End file.
